Square One

And my feelings are somewhat back to square one. I just finished another application, but this time for the district I worked in this last school year... housing the job I really "want"! I feel giddy and butterfly-y... and I don't even know anything yet! But as I filled out the application and detailed my personal mission and my goals in the profession, I could not help but be infused with excitement for this chapter called "A Job" that I know will soon be approaching. It's just that "where" question... that still lingers...

As God grants me peace just as He promises, I woke up today truly possessing the mindset of wanting to choose the path he makes clear to me to be my job next year, despite that it will probably be aligned with all things scary: fear, vulnerability, risk, newness, expectation, etc....

A chapel speaker at Point Loma once said, and I will never forget it (I even remember fbook-statusing-it) that "Love should make us rebels". The transforming Love of God should push us to be rebellious in the way we live our lives. And that makes me uncomfortable because I know that God is going to push me in such a way, and being the cliff jumper girl that I am NOT, that terrifies me... but in a good way.  In a good way because in doing so I am trusting God will provide for my utmost needs. Choosing the path God makes clear isn't so bad because of the hope nestled in choosing obedience. In being obedient we are trusting, and in trusting we are surrendering our wants to those of the Lord, and in surrendering we have to believe and know he will take care of us because, oh yes... that's right... He Loves us! How could I forget?

With that said, I am not going to lie! That very reality makes me frustrated and a little bit angry because I like being comfortable!

I picture God laughing at me right now in this moment with a good belly laugh just as I picture Santa Clause to laugh with his tummy shaking like a bowl fully of jelly... humor me in my toddler mind for a minute... and in this moment I want to say to him, "stop! It's not funny!" as I dramatically stomp away, teddy bear dangling in one hand with the butt flap of my red old fashioned onesie pajamas open.  Stopping once out of sight I sheepishly look back around the corner at this jolly character. With a slight grin on my face I look at him. He catches me without acknowledgement with the whites of his eyes in that very split second that I cautiously was trying to avoid in keeping my grin 'slight', and I pull back. Now hiding behind the corner in my evident loss I know that he won... just as he always does.

Jane